In Memorium

 What if?

How many of us live in our imaginations as if we have access to an alternate timeline?

What if I had known this about myself when I was younger?

What if I had said yes?

What if I had said no?

What is it that brings those thoughts out?  Regret?  Curiosity?  Masochism?

Is it a waste of time to think on these things or is it just another mental exercise?

Our favorite entertainment worlds invite us into these possibilities from Marvel to Dr. Who to Halo.  That's right, I started this whole post just to talk about the Halo books :)

In one of my favorites, Mortal Dictata by Karin Traviss, Spartan Naomi 010 is the first Spartan to take a look at her file.  Having been abducted as a child and 'conscripted' into the Spartan II program she doesn't remember anything about the abduction or her life before training, but she feels guilt now that she knows she was stolen.  Oddly so does another Spartan, Serin Osman, future head of ONI.  Guilt, but they can't put their fingers on why.  They're both emotionally guided by the AI 'Black Box' (BB) into understanding that, yes, they were exceptional enough to be chosen for the Spartan program but back then they were just children.  Six year old's are emotionally incapable of reasoning out the machinations of adults and especially those of their own abductors!  Take down methods and psychological warfare were not yet in their toolkits.  

{OK, if I've peaked your curiosity about the Halo book universe I recommend you start with the original three written after the XBOX game gained popularity (The Fall of Reach, The Flood, First Strike).  And then read and read and read!  There are over three dozen books and all really well written in my opinion.  But before you read the Kilo 5 Trilogy (Glasslands, The Thursday War, Mortal Dictata) which occur after the Covenant War, read Ghost of Onyx.  You'll thank me.}

I personally hate the hypothetical road.  I never indulge it intentionally.  If feels ungrateful.  It always feels sad.  Mostly though, it pulls me away from the present. In a time of my life when I had little to nothing and more pain than joy, I learned to live in the present.  There was nothing else.  The past brought me here, the future is waiting for me, but I'm here now.  The present is the only place we have power.  It's the only time we really exist.  If you learn from past mistakes, great!  Learn and use the lessons but don't dally with ghosts.  You are not who you were.  There is no 'What if' reality.

A lesson I've learned that I don't ever remember being taught is to widen my definition of personal power.  And since it's the little things that keep me sane, sometimes I do things that don't do anything  but make me feel better.  So here's my fan fiction extended ending to Halo: Mortal Dictata.  

*I SWEAR TO GOD DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE KILO 5 TRILOGY!  SUPER SPOILERS AHEAD!  YOU'VE BEEN RESPONSIBLY WARNED.*

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In Memorium

"....In other news the Voi Memorial, testament to the sacrifices of so many lost during the Covenant War, is currently undergoing minor restoration due to recent vandalism.  The declassification of details on the controversial Spartan II program has sparked not only outrage by the general public but demand for Dr. Katherine Halsey's name to be removed from any and all 'places of honor'.

"In choosing to spearhead this unique reunification program, I've taken on the task of reconnecting with not only the family that had lost me but with who I am capable of being outside my armor.  I'm here today to encourage my fellow Spartan II's to participate in this program beside me, and expand your capacity of service.  

"As with all special forces, we are a family unit; one I will forever be proud to be among.  And in most ways I will always be a Spartan.  But I'm challenging each of you to join with me in becoming even more.  We are only now learning how much we have lost, individually.  And of the few of us that do remain it would be easier to continue to stick together and weather through the pain.  But if there is anything you can depend upon from a Spartan, it's our ability to adapt to new intel.

"Beginning  with the security breach within ONI, the exposure of our post abduction psych profiles threw the Spartan II program into a whirlwind.  For us to be reintroduced to our own young tearful faces splashed across the newsfeeds put a chink in our otherwise invulnerable shells and we were forced to accept that we were harnessed for someone else's agenda.  Would we have become Spartans if given the choice  is a useless and insulting question.  But here we are.  Spartans, with a choice."

She sighed.  "That's as far as I've gotten.  I still need to integrate the parameters of the new program in terms that don't sound like forced retirement from all they were created to do but...."

He interrupted her by placing his hand on hers, a gesture she had quickly grown to appreciate.  

"Naomi, sweetheart, you're going to be great."

She smiled at him and decided to ask. "Dad, do you know anything about the vandalism at the memorial?"